Alright, Cherub…


It’s getting close to Valentine’s Day, and I wanted to share my experience with joining

I was quite the curious browser when I came across this “okcupid.” I’ve heard quite a few terrible stories about this site, but what the heck, I wanted to experience it for myself, just like

It all started on a Saturday morning. I clicked in, checked the site out as much as I could, and started a profile. Now, what I really wanted was a username that someone could look at and say, “Man, this is unique! I could have a conversation with her over this.” That’s about what I did. AluminumSurfer it was. I clicked and clacked my password, I even got a “best.password.ever,” bubble, and I was all set to fall in the realms of free online dating.

Alright, things were going steady. Simple enough. Now to upload a photo. Okay, let’s see, how about a nice smile photo that shows only the top half of me. Bingo. Now all I need is to fill out a profile. Okay, let’s see “Hi, I’m Rhea, and an illustration student at..etc.” Nice.

Here comes the music and movie part of the self summary. Holy Macaroni…After 36 hours of editing and adding/looking at my music library on my computer/facebook, I was set. I’m sure the boys will come running when they find out that I’ve put this much effort into this!

Holy Ravioli, was I disappointed. Sure, I’ve got messages and profile views, but the majority had profiles as exciting a dog fart. “Hey, I’m Chris, and I like to go golfing on the harbor of Mt. Saint Elmo’s Fire, and back pack through Wyoming were my second cousin has a townhouse in a middle of a rustic field.” Profile picture is him playing a guitar.

Or another one “Hey, I’m Jake, and I’m the singer/songwriter and bassist in my band, Carpal Tunnel Monkey Punch. Message me is you want someone different. All you need is love. - Sylvia Plath.” Profile picture, him playing guitar.

And finally, “sup, i’m brandon, 420 yo, lolz. my hobbies are smokin up and downin a 6xer..fuck. so if u find me chiiill, gurl, holllllaa yo boi.” Profile picture of him playing guitar.

I felt dryer than a moth ball.

Many of these guys came to me with the simple conversational piece “hi.” Or if I’m really lucky, and get a guy who wants to separate from the pack, it’s “Hey, what’s up?”

Dare I say “hello,” back? Honestly, I didn’t. I had no interest in starting slowly into a conversation. I’d rather watch my mom shave.

Sure I checked out many of the profiles. Quite an abundant amount of “eh.” So, I wanted to step it up a notch with my search. The keywords I used are. “heavy metal, comics, the misfits,” and, what the heck, “big penis.” I think that last one would save me some time. (I’m kidding, but could you imagine?)

The tags went off into another dimension. I’ve pondered to find out where, Dix, Illinois, actually was? My search was still, again, unsuccessful. After an hour or two looking around the site and messaging people from different states, telling them they’re cute and I’m right behind them; I basically just finally deleted my page.

The conclusion to this visit at LonelyHorny&Desperate Ville Motel; I thought to myself. Is this really any different than any other dating site? Probably, but I’m sure as hell not finding out.

Thank you for your time. I hope you have a great Valentine’s Day, either with your right hand or your left. This holiday, is all about choice. 


Rheaderella, a lefty.

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